I have what my students consider a pretty weird habit - when I see them make mistakes, I do a little happy dance and celebrate. Like, I literally do this. You would not believe the looks I get!
Early on in my career as a learning support person, I recognized that making mistakes was really hard for most and quite possibly all of the young people I worked with. I found this phenomenon fascinating and troubling. Where did this need for perfection come from? Why was making mistakes and messing up so difficult for my students to accept? Turns out, I didn't have to look far to find some of those answers. In fact, I only really had to look inward. I had to admit that making mistakes was hard for me too and so many others. So, where does this need to be 'perfect' come from? And, is it even a worthy pursuit? Is it even possible to achieve it? And, what is the impact when we strive so hard for it and don't allow ourselves the grace to mess up? What is the impact on our neurodivergent kiddos?
What Fuels Our Quest for Perfection?
The need for perfection can come from a mix of different places. We live in a world full of societal expectations that push us to achieve and achieve big time! Different family dynamics and different cultural expectations can also set the stage for unrealistic standards for success. Social media doesn’t help either, constantly bombarding us with comparisons that can make anyone feel inadequate. Many people develop perfectionist habits as a way to shield themselves from the fear of failure, tying their self-worth to their accomplishments. Plus, things like low self-esteem, certain personality traits like being overly conscientious, and cultural pressures can feed into this quest for perfection. Understanding where these needs come from can be super empowering, as it helps us recognize how to shift those perfectionist tendencies into a more balanced, accepting approach to our goals and who we are!
Perfectionism and the Impact on Inclusivity in Learning Spaces
When we talk about perfectionism in the context of education, it’s important to consider how this kind of pressure can weigh heavily on students from diverse backgrounds, learning styles and abilities. The relentless push to conform to this 'perfect' ideal can lead to feelings of inadequacy and alienation, making kids feel like they don’t belong in academic spaces and, quite frankly, can lead to them just stopping trying altogether. This isn't just about grades either; it’s about self-worth and identity. Making space for mistakes, mess-ups and foibles and embracing a variety of learning styles and perspectives is essential for creating an educational environment where every student can feel welcome and feel good about how they show up as learners..
In my experience, chasing perfection has a massive impact on our kids' (and our own!) learning experiences. See, perfectionism often comes bundled with irrational standards and a huge fear of failure. For neurodivergent kids—those with ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities—this pressure is amplified. The constant pursuit of flawless performance can make tasks feel really overwhelming, leading to procrastination or even a refusal to start. The anxiety that comes with striving for perfection can stifle their creativity and make learning a huge hurdle rather than an adventure.
Recent studies suggest that high levels of perfectionism in children are linked to mental health issues, particularly when children are self-critical.
So, what does this perfectionism look like? It's easy to spot it, actually - it's that little voice, that inner critic, that tells us that if we're not perfect, we’re not good enough. What does this look like in neurodivergent kiddos? Well, it can look like a massive fear of making mistakes, setting overly high standards for themselves, procrastination, having a really hard time receiving feedback, emotional outbursts when things don't go to plan, avoidance of challenges or all-or-nothing thinking. While it’s great to encourage our kids to strive for good work, the quest for perfection can actually hold them back and it can prove detrimental when it comes to learning.
So, how can we start taming that voice inside our heads and start letting go of this fruitless pursuit? And, how can we help our amazing kiddos do the same?
1. Identifying the Inner Critic
We can start by encouraging your child to recognize when their inner critic is speaking. Help them articulate what this voice says and how it makes them feel. Sometimes just naming it can diminish its power. Teach them to challenge these negative thoughts by asking questions like, “Is this thought really true?” or “What would I say to a friend who feels this way?” Encourage your child to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend. Remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfections are part of being human and are part of the learning process!
2. Embrace Progress Over Perfection
Try to shift focus from perfection to progress. Encourage your child to celebrate those little wins—finishing a tricky assignment, or finally grasping a concept they’ve been wrestling with. When they see their growth instead of obsessing over a perfect outcome, their motivation skyrockets, and the joy of learning comes back into focus!
3. Create Inclusive Learning Environments
We also need to recognize how perfectionism can affect neurodivergent kids in school settings. The relentless push to conform to a narrow definition of success can make them feel inadequate and out of place. By nurturing inclusivity in our learning environments, we're honouring diverse learning styles and experiences. Celebrating these differences fosters a sense of belonging that benefits everyone and helps create a supportive and inclusive community.
4. Promote Creativity and Exploration
When we let go of perfectionism, we give our kids the freedom to experiment and explore. Encourage them to try different study methods or engage with their learning materials in fun new ways without the fear of failing. This exploration can lead to more meaningful learning experiences and help them discover what truly works for them.
5. Build Resilience Together
Our kids need to know that mistakes are simply part of the process. By viewing setbacks as stepping stones, they’re more likely to keep pushing forward and learn from each experience. Let’s support our kids in developing a growth mindset and remind them that every successful learner has faced hurdles along the way. It’s not about how many times they fall; it’s about how many times they get back up!
6. Set Realistic Goals
Help your child set achievable and realistic goals. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on mastering subjects or improving study habits gradually. Set smaller goals in incremental steps and celebrate each small achievement. Take some time to reflect and celebrate what your child learns when they don't reach their goals - focus on what they learned from the small setback. Grounding their goals in reality not only makes them more reachable but also allows them to enjoy the learning process!
Letting go of perfectionism doesn't mean lowering your standards. It’s about promoting a healthy perspective on learning. By encouraging your child to embrace imperfection, you’re helping them reduce stress, boost creativity, and build resilience—helping them to become more courageous and engaged learners!
So, the next time you notice that perfectionist's voice starting to creep in, remind your child (and yourself!) that it’s perfectly okay to be a little messy along the way. Real growth happens outside our comfort zones!
What steps are you taking to help you or your child let go of perfectionism in their learning? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
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